The Light Bearer

I am the light bearer. I am one who is willing to face the dark places, to bring them to the light. I use my super hero power of great courage and determination to find those hidden cancerous places that hold pain so that the issues can be held gently in the light. What I have to say to you is that if you have the courage you need to face the dark places. The longer they stay in the dark the scarier they get. Do not stay in the dark for this is only information for you to learn. It is the unknown you fear, not the known, so let it be known to you that which has been hidden.

I have a bit of a confession to make…I love SoulCollage® but at the same time often lack the courage to listen to my cards. I very much want to make the cards and go through the process but there is a part of me that is scared of what I might find within myself when I hold that mirror up. When I made this card I made it but did not immediately process the card with the I Am One Who statement. It was only after a conversation with a friend reminded me of the energies of this card that I realized that it embodied the very reason that I am hesitant to read my cards. I am afraid. What I’ve realized is that I don’t have to be afraid of the cards or of myself. If I find something I don’t like I can change it…the first step is awareness.

Now I’m off to go tackle that pile of SoulCollage® cards that I’ve made but have lacked the courage to face.

Self-Worth

Last May I left my job to be a stay at home mom. For the first time in my adult life I find myself totally dependent on someone else’s income. I’ve been sitting at the computer for the last hour typing all sorts of crap about moving and being a mom without really addressing what is truly alive for me. The truth is I am struggling with self-worth. This totally blows me away because I’ve always been confident and I still am. Until recently I would have used those words synonymously but there is a difference. My struggle is to be able to define the value in what I do when it isn’t defined by a number (aka a salary). As an independent “I can do this” kind of person this is challenge. I have no problem spending our money on items for my daughter but I have to really justify spending money on myself. When I was working I had no problem going shopping for a new blouse or shoes, but now it is hard for me to spend the money. It is not a matter of not having the money to spend…it is more like I feel like since I didn’t earn it that I can’t spend it on myself. Without this definition of what I was “worth” I was losing my sense of self as a separate individual. I was unhappy and living a dream at the same time. I struggled with reconciling this immense gratitude of getting the opportunity to be with my daughter with the reality of having a demanding job that was 24/7. The day I lay sobbing on the carpet of my daughter’s room was the day I realized that I need to care for my needs so that I can be the mother I want to be. (Thank god she’s too young to remember it, definitely not one of my better moments). After discussing it with my husband I now take one afternoon a week for me. My goal on Thursday afternoons is to do something solely for myself. The first week I used a pre-paid massage. Maybe next week I’ll close the door to my office and take that online sewing class I got for Christmas. I’m still learning how not to think about it in terms of “luxury” but rather a necessary expense for my mental health. I find I am re-learning an old lesson about how you can’t give more that you receive. A mentor once compared our capacity to serve others to a bank account balance…you can only spend as much money (give to others) and much money as you have in the bank. Once your account is down to $0 you don’t have anything left to give. You need to replenish your account (take care of yourself). In order to be the best mom and partner I can be I need to replenish myself. Once I get away from the idea of “earning” a living and start to think in terms of being of service to my family I can easily see the value I provide on a daily basis.

The Oracle - What do I need to know for the Paradigm Shift

Lately I have been feeling the itch to dive back into my work, both as Life Coach and SoulCollage® facilitator after taking some much needed time to devote to my family.  The cards have been singing their siren song to me and I have listened to their call.   I recently listed to the latest SoulCollage® Facilitator Oracle presentation and it inspired me to find my own answers to the question put forth to the group.   

The following is the answers I received from the six cards I drew from my personal deck to answer the question,   “What do I (we) need to know for the Paradigm Shift?”

• Stop hiding from yourself.  It is a time of deep personal contemplation and soul searching.
• Know Thyself.  Unwrap the bindings of traditions and culture to look with fresh eyes.  Question Everything!
•  Allow yourself to grieve during change.  Do not hide from yourself, your emotions or the world at large.  Put the mask down and be authentically yourself.
• Connect with Source.  Know that you are always supported by the Universe.  We are here whenever you need us.
• Fly!  You have much to offer.  It is time to spread your wings and fly.  The planet needs you to share your gifts/do you work at this critical juncture.
• There is work for you to do.  “Go do the Voodoo that you do so well!”
• We are going to shake things up, so hold on and let’s boogie!  If you keep your sense of humor this can be fun! 

I felt compelled to share these answers, because they were not for me alone.   This is what is needed at this cross roads in history.  Regardless of tomorrow’s election results, the time for change is at hand.   Collectively we need to stand up and make sure what we do counts.   What that means for us individually is that it is time to do uncover our purpose and then take it forth those gifts into the world to help make the world a better place one person and one act at a time.   

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Synchronicity

I remember an Angel reading I got several years ago at a conference that told me I was a writer.  She said I had a book I need to write and that I needed to get started practicing my craft, even if it was only through journaling.   I dismissed the idea since I’d never been a big fan of journaling. I had tried journaling before, but it always left me feeling like it was something I should enjoy but never found it particularly satisfying.  Because I had dismissed the idea I put it out of my mind and didn’t remember this reading until earlier this afternoon.

Last year when I began my Life Coaching certification process I began writing answers for class and as part of that process I began this blog.   I discovered the joy I receive in crafting the words and sharing my thoughts in this format.  I found it very therapeutic in the way that pen and paper never provided.  For the first time in my life I felt like I could claim the title “writer” even if I never intended to publish a book.

This afternoon I was out with friends and we came across a palm reader and decided to get a reading.   One of the things the palm reader mentioned was that I need to be writing.  She saw it as my life’s work.   Suddenly the earlier reading popped into my head and with my recent experience with blogging I felt more receptive to the idea.   I still have no idea what I will be writing about, but at least I didn’t just shrug it off.

This evening I was checking my email when I came across an invitation to a workshop with a publisher for all perspective writers.   I had to laugh when I saw the email because I recognized it as a sign that I needed to pay attention this time.  I love how synchronicity works…a great reminder to pay attention, calling me back to my path.   

I figure it is time to get back to blogging, making it a priority even while I’m busy with my new baby.  I look forward to seeing my life unfold to see what I wind up writing about.

Defining Self

Do you ever look in the mirror and wonder who the person staring back at you is? 

When I lived in Arizona, I wore many hats: student, friend, mentor, daughter, employee, leader.  I slipped easily into many of these roles without giving them much thought about who I was in relationship to these roles or if they best served me.

The last three years of my life have changed that perspective.  During these last three years I’ve made so many changes in my life that I am left wondering who I am.   While all the changes have been positive and largely self-induced (except one, but really that turned out to a blessing too) they still leave me wondering what became of the person I was and who is the person I am now versus the person I was.  What is it that defines me?

I’m coming up on the third anniversary of the single craziest thing I’ve done and the thing that started this whole ball rolling…my big cross-country move, leaving behind the only life I’d known and trusting that I would be okay.  This was an exciting time because it was like getting a clean slate.   I got to try different activities that would have been out of my comfort zone.  I felt like no one here knew who I was and so there were no limits or predefined values about what I was supposed to do or be.  During time I became Alison the independent adventurer.

A year later came another life changing event.  Just a few weeks shy of the anniversary of my move I got married to the love of my life.   Along with this change in status came a change in name.  I would see my new name in writing and it would look so strange.   I would do a double take and wonder to myself “I wonder who is Alison Bradley?”   I became Alison the wife.

A few months later and yet another change.  I lost a job I had held for over 7 years.  It had been my first job post-college and it left me floundering for a bit.   Suddenly I had to figure out what it is I wanted to do for a living again.  The process of job-hunting in a tough market gave me a sense of satisfaction and was a marked change from my job search after college.  I had confidence in myself and what I brought to the table.  I was Alison the go-getter!

2011 brought new changes and new titles....Alison the organizer, Alison the facilitator, Alison the Life Coach. With each new change comes a stronger sense of self, of purpose.

In a few short months I will be redefining myself once again as I get the new title of Mom.  A few weeks ago I was going through a book I received as a child and it had my name written in it.  It occurred to me that my child would never know that person.  I’m no longer the person I was, yet not knowing how my child will see me.  How will this new adventure change how I define myself?  Who do I want to be for my child?  What examples will I set?  Who will I be this time around?

Learning Old Lessons

I dedicated this blog to writing about my journey of self-discovery and those a-ha moments along the way.  I have been unable to write about any of that for these past three months because the thing I wanted most to happen has indeed happened but it has affected me in ways I never imagined.

On September 11, 2011 my husband and I learned we are to become parents for the first time.  Our little one is due in May.  I could not be more excited and anxious and so many other emotions at once that it is overwhelming at times. 

At first, I stopped writing my blog because even though I had tons of great topics I couldn’t write about the one thing that mattered most, my joy at discovering I am going to hold that magical title of “Mom”.  There is a proper order to announcing these things.  First you tell your husband, then your families and close friends, and so on.  We didn’t keep it a secret during the first trimester like so many people do.  We thought about it but we were just too excited about sharing our news with the world.  Unfortunately I did not feel like I could write about it online until I finally told my boss a few weeks ago.  The only reason I held out as long as I did was he is never in town and couldn’t see how big I was getting and of course I was not looking forward to his reaction.  However it would not have been appropriate for him to come across my blog before I told him our news and so I stopped writing.

I’ve come to realize over the last several months that I have certain expectations about how thing should progress, both for my pregnancy and for life in general.  I’m always amazed when I discover that I think (rationally or not) that my life will unfold in a particular way.

I remember on my 20^th birthday laying in bed nearly having a panic attack because all I could think was that was by the time I was 30 I would have finished school, know the heck I wanted to do with my life, be starting a master program, be married and starting a family.  It seemed like a lot to have to get done in the next ten years and so I lay in bed almost paralyzed by the expectations I had given myself.  I was in my mid to late 20’s before I realized that just because that was the path my mother took didn’t mean I needed to follow in her footsteps.  I finally allowed myself some breathing room and began to let my own journey unfold without worrying (too much) about it.

Pregnancy is once again bringing up these crazy expectations, sometimes in the silliest of ways.  I remember thinking that I would probably have to buy maternity clothes mid-late in the second trimester.  The joke was on me!  By the 7^th week nothing fit and I had to shop much earlier than expected.  At three months pregnant I looked like my friend did when she was 7 months pregnant.  Morning sickness has lasted longer than I had hoped and I’ve had a host of other challenges just in my first 16 weeks.  I keep hoping things will settle down and be “normal” but when have I been “normal”?

I love that I get to re-learn my lessons about expectations and comparing my experiences with others from a whole other perspective.  I need to remember to just be in the joy and wonder of the moment, during this amazing time.

Going Home

It’s been two and a half years since I did the craziest, most wonderful thing for myself.  I’ve been reflecting on this time in my life, remembering how it felt to be in the flow, seeing everything around me for the first time, simply by being open to possibilities.  I’ve settled into a routine since all the changes have happened, but I want to remind myself what it felt like to be in a space of infinite possibilities instead of the restricted place of routines that become ruts.

This is a story about having faith in the Universe. 

I was born and raised in Phoenix, Arizona.  Growing up my relatives were scattered all over the country and I envied my friends who had close relationships with local relatives.  I always thought I would stay in Phoenix when I was an adult to raise my family there so my kids could be close to their grandparents.  Funny how life has a different way of turning out.

Labor Day weekend 2005 I visited a friend who had moved to Portland the year before.  We toured the city and surrounding area for four days. On the last day of the weekend we drove out to the Columbia River Gorge stopping at Multnomah Falls on the way.  We walked a little ways up the path that winds around the falls and I stopped to catch my breath and enjoy the scenery.  I sat by the edge of the trail and closed my eye to feel the place and I distinctly heard and felt “Welcome Home”. 

I took that memory back to Phoenix with me, always keeping that idea buried in the back of my mind, never telling anyone what happened.  Something had shifted for me during that weekend.  Prior to th that trip when arriving back in Phoenix I would have a sense at homecoming.  From that day on, whenever I flew into SkyHarbor airport, I felt like I was being dragged back to the desert.  Phoenix no longer felt like home.  At odd moments I would find myself looking at apartments in the Portland area instead of whatever else I should have been done online.  All the time I was saying, I’ll always live in Phoenix.  I love it here.  I lived in denial for several more years.

In the fall of 2006 I attend a book signing at Changing Hands Bookstore for Laura Alden Kamm, an amazing medical intuitive that I had seen and had classes with.  I asked her about some trouble I’d had with a meditation script she recommended.  She answered my question quickly, but then looked at me and said, “Sweetie, pack your stuff you are not staying in Phoenix.”  In that moment I was transported back to the moment at the falls and I knew what she meant.  I had two close friends in the audience that night and after the talk was over we went out to dinner and I announced I was moving to Portland.  Needless to say they were floored.

I wish I could say that I stayed with my conviction of that moment, but again I waffled, letting myself doubt what I knew to be true.  I had finally accepted that I was leaving Phoenix, but I still didn’t fully believe I was bound for Portland, just somewhere north and west of Phoenix.  I asked any psychic I knew where I would be moving and when, trying to get a handle on the change that was rapidly approaching. 

After working with a Life Coach I had convinced myself the Bay Area would be nice since I had friends in the area.  In May 2007, I went for a weekend to visit the city and look at apartments, and even met with a head hunter.  The best part of that trip was confirmation that I was not supposed to be in the bay area.  From that point on I decided to listen to my heart…Portland it was.  Now I just had to screw up the courage to do it.  In the fall of 2007 I ran into Laura Alden Kamm at the Celebrate Your Life conference in Scottsdale, AZ.  She took one look at me and said, “What are you still doing here?”  I replied, “I’m not ready to go yet.”

In May of 2008, when the lease on my apartment was up I decided I really wanted to do this.  I moved in with a friend of mine so that I wouldn’t be tied to a lease when the time came and began job searching in the Portland market in earnest.  I figured with would be a month or two max and then I’d be on my way!

The months dragged on with no responses to my resumes.  By the end of the year I decided I’d had enough waiting and decided to go as soon as I wrapped up one last project, which was scheduled for mid-January.  It then got pushed to mid-February.  When I go the notice that my hearing was postponed again, this time until August, I decided I was done waiting.

President’s Day weekend 2009 I flew to Portland to spend the weekend looking for an apartment.  I spent all weekend driving around the city looking at various apartments.  Towards the end of the weekend I wondered across the Columbia into Vancouver, WA and looked at a few more place.  At the third place I looked I felt in my gut that I had found my new home.  I spoke with the rental agent and flew back to Phoenix to quit my job. 

The following day at work my boss came to speak with me about a project I’d been working on and I asked him to close the door.  I told him I was putting in my two week’s notice and was moving to the Portland area.  He asked if that was a joke.  I said no and promptly burst into tears.  Perhaps not one of my more professional moments, but it was one of the hardest things I had ever done.  Not only was I leaving the security of my job, but I’d been with the company for 6 years and had made many friends.   He asked if I had a job waiting for me.  I said no, I’d been searching with no luck, but it was something I needed to do.  It was my dream.  I suggested to him that I would be open to working long distance, since most of what I did could be done from anywhere.  He promptly took me up on my offer, just pending clearance from the President of the company.  I asked him to let me speak to her because I had been hired six years ago to be her assistant and I wanted to tell her myself.

Waiting until she got back into the office on Friday was nerve-wracking.  I knew I was finally making the move either way, but to have a job already lined up would be fantastic.  Friday finally came and she gave me the green light, although both of us cried in the meeting.  I felt so supported by the universe in this journey.

As I said good bye to friends and family during that time I received many comments about how brave I was - if only they had known how long I had agonized over the decision.  One friend said how she could never leave her home, to which I replied, “I’m not leaving home, I’m going home.”

On Monday, March 2, Mom and I packed my car and headed out of town.  We took a leisurely trip, stopping to sight see along the way and visit with friends in Sacramento.  We rolled into Portland on March 9.  I was home!

I was unbelievably blessed, but knew my work was still cut out for me.  I had lost touch with the friend that has moved to Portland, so I knew no one in my new home.  I made a point to get out in the evenings, signing up for classes, trying to find a church, anything I could do to connect with other people.  I remember St. Patrick’s Day, thinking I’m going to go out tonight at actually sit at the bar to eat, instead of finding a quiet booth somewhere.  I went to the local Friday’s and sat at the bar.  A few stools down was an older gentleman and by the end of the evening we were having a very pleasant conversation.  When I mentioned that I worked from home he said he did too and that he often came out to Friday’s after work for company and invited me to join him if I needed someone to talk to.  I believe his direct quote was, “Like a bad Vegas act, I’m here most nights.”  It had to be one of the cheesiest lines ever, but a few nights later I went back because I had enjoyed our talk.  By the middle of summer I was engaged to that sweet man, and just a few weeks shy of my one year anniversary of moving to the great Pacific Northwest, we were married.

I moved to the Pacific Northwest because of a calling – a conviction deep in my soul that it was where I was supposed to be.  I never imagined how full my life would be as a result of my courage to make the change.   By being in the flow, trusting in the Universe and being open to new possibilities I got so much more than I could have anticipated, all because I said “Yes” when the universe asked me to move.  I was by far the most difficult thing I have ever done, but also the most rewarding.