Grading on the Curve

When I was in college I had professors who would grade on a curve.  I always hated those classes because it wasn’t about learning the material; it was about competing with every other student in the class.  Now I am seeing that same theory applied in the workplace, but this time attached to performance reviews.

I learned in my statistics class about probability theory and the normal distribution.  Given a population set (a class or a company) you would expect their values (grades or performance rating) to fall on either side of the mean, and if you were to chart this pattern you would have the bell curve.  The bell curve and the statistics behind it are designed to study set populations and then be able to use it as a prediction tool.  I understand that these statistical analysis tools have their place.

When a professor or a company begins to grade on a curve, they are taking a predictive tool and twisting it.  Suddenly the people are conforming to the measurement instead of the measuring device to the people.  It also takes a standard to be measured against and renders it useless because the standard is constantly moving depending on the performance of the population.  When using a bell curve to set the standard the message sent is that conforming to statistics is more valuable than the performances of the individuals being measured.    

I use to grade myself on a curve, comparing myself to my friends, classmates, co-workers, even perfect strangers.  There were times when the comparison would leave my ego inflated, such as when I received the highest grade or special praise for a job well done.  More often than not, there were people who were better than me at the task at hand and my self-confidence would dip when I compared myself to those who had done better.  No matter which side of the bell curve I was on, my confidence very much depended on other people.

I no longer ask myself how do I rate compared to other people.  The questions I ask myself these days are as follows:

• Did I do my best in this situation with the resources available at the time? 
•  What can I learn from the situation? 
•  How would I do it differently next time?

Do I still get disappointed with myself? Occasionally, but only when I know I didn’t do my best work or dishonored what I knew to be true for me.  I no longer look outside for comparison.  I have only to look inward to find the true measure of myself.

Learning to Receive

Early Saturday morning I had the privilege of having a Spiritual Coaching session with a fellow classmate.  The process she took me through revealed to me something I thought I had dealt with a long time ago.  It reminded me that our biggest issues are revealed to use like layers of an onion, slowly revealing themselves to us a layer at a time.

I was raised to be INDEPENDENT.  I capitalize it because it was distilled in me in so many ways.  The bottom line is I wasn’t supposed to ask for help, I needed to learn how to do manage for myself.  In no way am I complaining about how I was raised.  This particular skill has been very useful.  Even when I got sick with Fibromyalgia in college, I didn’t give up - it wasn’t an option for me.  I had to prove I could be independent.  I even deliberately stayed away from dating until I could prove to myself that I could support myself.

The challenge I find myself with now, is that I can’t ask for help when I need it.  Being INDEPENDENT is great if you are stranded on an island in the middle of nowhere surviving by your wits alone.  However, that is not the situation I find myself in.  I live with my husband and we enjoy a great extended family and many friends. 

How do I go from being INDEPENDENT to independent and connected to my community?

I’ve been giving this a lot of thought over the past 2 days.  What I realized is that I don’t ask for help.  I get frustrated with the situation until someone offers to help me.  This strikes me as being passive-aggressive, which isn’t how I want to present myself.  Later on Saturday I had to go to a bookstore and decide to put my new found insight into practice.  Instead of wondering through the bookstore forever trying to find the section I was looking for, I went promptly to the help desk with every intention to ask for help in my search.  Instead what I said was “I am looking for x.”  I laughed at myself later because I realized I had made a statement of fact instead of a request for help.  My challenge is to learn to ask for help. 

I know how to ask for help, but why is it so difficult for me to put that into practice?  The realization is that I don’t want to be turned down.  I don’t want to be rejected.  When I ask for help I am being vulnerable in a way that I am not comfortable with.  I don’t want to appear weak or in need.  In essence, I don’t want to be human.  It is time to embrace my human nature.  I don’t know everything, but what I do know is this way of thinking no longer serves me.

If I want to continue to be of service to others, I need to learn how receive service from others.  A few years ago a friend said to me, “You are always there when we need you.  Give us the chance to be there for you.”  I had let myself forget that sometimes the best gift you can give, is letting someone else help.

Standing in Resistance

Sometimes I feel like an unruly two year old in my conversations with Spirit.  “ NO! NO! NO! I don’t wanna!”  This past week Spirit pointed out to me how my inner toddler has come out to play surrounding a situation I’ve been unhappy with.  I have to laugh at myself when these moments of insight come and the mirror is being held up for me to see just how much resistance I’ve been putting up.
 
My great ah-ha this week is that by being in resistance I am prolonging the situation I do not wish to be in.  Once I learn what Spirit has sent me here to learn, only then will I be able to move out of the situation onto the path I’ve seen coming.  I’ve been so eager to move onto what I know is coming, that I forgot that to take the steps immediately in front of me.  I forgot that I need to crawl before I can learn to walk, then run.  I was wanting to run, when I didn’t have the fundamental skills necessary for the task.

Thank you Spirit for showing me how necessary learning the fundamentals are.  I feel a great weight lifted now that I understand why I am still in the situation I am in.  Time to buckle down and learn what I am here to learn.
 
The truth as I know it, is that we would rarely choose continue to learn and to grow if we were comfortable all the time.  It is in the times of our greatest discomfort, that we have the most incentive to make the necessary improvements to better ourselves.  What is uncomfortable in your life?  What are you are learning from the situation so that you do not have to continue the pattern?