I dedicated this blog to writing about my journey of self-discovery and those a-ha moments along the way. I have been unable to write about any of that for these past three months because the thing I wanted most to happen has indeed happened but it has affected me in ways I never imagined.
On September 11, 2011 my husband and I learned we are to become parents for the first time. Our little one is due in May. I could not be more excited and anxious and so many other emotions at once that it is overwhelming at times. At first, I stopped writing my blog because even though I had tons of great topics I couldn’t write about the one thing that mattered most, my joy at discovering I am going to hold that magical title of “Mom”. There is a proper order to announcing these things. First you tell your husband, then your families and close friends, and so on. We didn’t keep it a secret during the first trimester like so many people do. We thought about it but we were just too excited about sharing our news with the world. Unfortunately I did not feel like I could write about it online until I finally told my boss a few weeks ago. The only reason I held out as long as I did was he is never in town and couldn’t see how big I was getting and of course I was not looking forward to his reaction. However it would not have been appropriate for him to come across my blog before I told him our news and so I stopped writing.
I’ve come to realize over the last several months that I have certain expectations about how thing should progress, both for my pregnancy and for life in general. I’m always amazed when I discover that I think (rationally or not) that my life will unfold in a particular way.
I remember on my 20th birthday laying in bed nearly having a panic attack because all I could think was that was by the time I was 30 I would have finished school, know the heck I wanted to do with my life, be starting a master program, be married and starting a family. It seemed like a lot to have to get done in the next ten years and so I lay in bed almost paralyzed by the expectations I had given myself. I was in my mid to late 20’s before I realized that just because that was the path my mother took didn’t mean I needed to follow in her footsteps. I finally allowed myself some breathing room and began to let my own journey unfold without worrying (too much) about it.
Pregnancy is once again bringing up these crazy expectations, sometimes in the silliest of ways. I remember thinking that I would probably have to buy maternity clothes mid-late in the second trimester. The joke was on me! By the 7th week nothing fit and I had to shop much earlier than expected. At three months pregnant I looked like my friend did when she was 7 months pregnant. Morning sickness has lasted longer than I had hoped and I’ve had a host of other challenges just in my first 16 weeks. I keep hoping things will settle down and be “normal” but when have I been “normal”?
I love that I get to re-learn my lessons about expectations and comparing my experiences with others from a whole other perspective. I need to remember to just be in the joy and wonder of the moment, during this amazing time.
