Inner Artist

While flipping through a magazine last week an image tugged at me and I knew it was time to get out my scissors and glue…another SoulCollage® card was begging to be made.   The image was of a photographer pointing her camera at the viewer and I instantly knew something was trying to come into focus for me.   I cut the image and quickly found a background image that sang with the photographer, but after hours of culling through magazines nothing else was coming.   I set the magazines aside and asked what was trying to come into focus for me.  I let the question sit for a few days until I realized the answer had been staring me in the face for the past two weeks.   I’ve been baking like crazy.   The answer was I need to create.  The artist in me needed a voice and it didn’t matter what medium it was.  I’d been ignoring my inner artist while I immersed myself in mom life.   I have to laugh at the signs the universe keeps throwing my way…it took a while but I finally got it.  For crying out loud, my husband got me a glass making kit for my birthday last month...the universe is literally giving me things to help me create.   I’m getting better at listening to this voice…it only took me a month to catch on this time!

Inner Artist

I am one who creates.

I am one who sees beauty around and within, bringing it forth for others to see, to let it shine and touch, inspired, confuse and delight.

I am one who gives life to art in many forms.

I am the creator and destroyer, bringer of transformations.   Cutting, pasting, gluing, baking, sewing, crafting to bring beauty to the world and peace to my heart.

The Light Bearer

I am the light bearer. I am one who is willing to face the dark places, to bring them to the light. I use my super hero power of great courage and determination to find those hidden cancerous places that hold pain so that the issues can be held gently in the light. What I have to say to you is that if you have the courage you need to face the dark places. The longer they stay in the dark the scarier they get. Do not stay in the dark for this is only information for you to learn. It is the unknown you fear, not the known, so let it be known to you that which has been hidden.

I have a bit of a confession to make…I love SoulCollage® but at the same time often lack the courage to listen to my cards. I very much want to make the cards and go through the process but there is a part of me that is scared of what I might find within myself when I hold that mirror up. When I made this card I made it but did not immediately process the card with the I Am One Who statement. It was only after a conversation with a friend reminded me of the energies of this card that I realized that it embodied the very reason that I am hesitant to read my cards. I am afraid. What I’ve realized is that I don’t have to be afraid of the cards or of myself. If I find something I don’t like I can change it…the first step is awareness.

Now I’m off to go tackle that pile of SoulCollage® cards that I’ve made but have lacked the courage to face.

Self-Worth

Last May I left my job to be a stay at home mom. For the first time in my adult life I find myself totally dependent on someone else’s income. I’ve been sitting at the computer for the last hour typing all sorts of crap about moving and being a mom without really addressing what is truly alive for me. The truth is I am struggling with self-worth. This totally blows me away because I’ve always been confident and I still am. Until recently I would have used those words synonymously but there is a difference. My struggle is to be able to define the value in what I do when it isn’t defined by a number (aka a salary). As an independent “I can do this” kind of person this is challenge. I have no problem spending our money on items for my daughter but I have to really justify spending money on myself. When I was working I had no problem going shopping for a new blouse or shoes, but now it is hard for me to spend the money. It is not a matter of not having the money to spend…it is more like I feel like since I didn’t earn it that I can’t spend it on myself. Without this definition of what I was “worth” I was losing my sense of self as a separate individual. I was unhappy and living a dream at the same time. I struggled with reconciling this immense gratitude of getting the opportunity to be with my daughter with the reality of having a demanding job that was 24/7. The day I lay sobbing on the carpet of my daughter’s room was the day I realized that I need to care for my needs so that I can be the mother I want to be. (Thank god she’s too young to remember it, definitely not one of my better moments). After discussing it with my husband I now take one afternoon a week for me. My goal on Thursday afternoons is to do something solely for myself. The first week I used a pre-paid massage. Maybe next week I’ll close the door to my office and take that online sewing class I got for Christmas. I’m still learning how not to think about it in terms of “luxury” but rather a necessary expense for my mental health. I find I am re-learning an old lesson about how you can’t give more that you receive. A mentor once compared our capacity to serve others to a bank account balance…you can only spend as much money (give to others) and much money as you have in the bank. Once your account is down to $0 you don’t have anything left to give. You need to replenish your account (take care of yourself). In order to be the best mom and partner I can be I need to replenish myself. Once I get away from the idea of “earning” a living and start to think in terms of being of service to my family I can easily see the value I provide on a daily basis.