Self-Worth

Last May I left my job to be a stay at home mom. For the first time in my adult life I find myself totally dependent on someone else’s income. I’ve been sitting at the computer for the last hour typing all sorts of crap about moving and being a mom without really addressing what is truly alive for me. The truth is I am struggling with self-worth. This totally blows me away because I’ve always been confident and I still am. Until recently I would have used those words synonymously but there is a difference. My struggle is to be able to define the value in what I do when it isn’t defined by a number (aka a salary). As an independent “I can do this” kind of person this is challenge. I have no problem spending our money on items for my daughter but I have to really justify spending money on myself. When I was working I had no problem going shopping for a new blouse or shoes, but now it is hard for me to spend the money. It is not a matter of not having the money to spend…it is more like I feel like since I didn’t earn it that I can’t spend it on myself. Without this definition of what I was “worth” I was losing my sense of self as a separate individual. I was unhappy and living a dream at the same time. I struggled with reconciling this immense gratitude of getting the opportunity to be with my daughter with the reality of having a demanding job that was 24/7. The day I lay sobbing on the carpet of my daughter’s room was the day I realized that I need to care for my needs so that I can be the mother I want to be. (Thank god she’s too young to remember it, definitely not one of my better moments). After discussing it with my husband I now take one afternoon a week for me. My goal on Thursday afternoons is to do something solely for myself. The first week I used a pre-paid massage. Maybe next week I’ll close the door to my office and take that online sewing class I got for Christmas. I’m still learning how not to think about it in terms of “luxury” but rather a necessary expense for my mental health. I find I am re-learning an old lesson about how you can’t give more that you receive. A mentor once compared our capacity to serve others to a bank account balance…you can only spend as much money (give to others) and much money as you have in the bank. Once your account is down to $0 you don’t have anything left to give. You need to replenish your account (take care of yourself). In order to be the best mom and partner I can be I need to replenish myself. Once I get away from the idea of “earning” a living and start to think in terms of being of service to my family I can easily see the value I provide on a daily basis.